I’m sharing my experience to hopefully help not only
non-believers like I was, but also those people who may be luke-warm in their
attitudes to the existence of the spiritual side of life and an omnipotent
deity behind it all. It is a fact that church membership is steadily declining.
Many people no longer see value in mainstream religion. My hope is that perhaps
I can help others to avoid making the mistake of believing that if religions
don’t have answers, then there are no answers to be found.
The path I share here took me from a young boy who actually for
a time thought he wanted to become a Catholic priest, to a resolved
agnostic/atheist and then through a series of small, seemingly inconsequential
steps grow in spirit actually beyond mere faith, but accepting, I would even
say experiencing the reality of
Spirit through a process that transcended the logical, linear mind that I had
previously believed was the only path
to reality.
As I explained in an earlier posting, as a young boy in
Catholic grade school, I was always asking questions about God and the
Scriptures of the nuns and priests. I frequently thought about God, heaven,
hell and the doctrine I was taught by the Dominican Sisters at my parochial grade
school which I attended for eight years. Naturally this pondering spawned
questions like, “Sister, why should we pray? If we don’t know anything really,
and God knows everything, aren’t we then asking God who doesn’t make mistakes
to change his mind?”. I was an altar boy
and while waiting for Mass to start, I would frequently hit up the priests for
answers too. And frankly, I honestly can’t remember even one instance where I
felt like I had gotten a reasonable answer. Actually, in most cases, the
dialogue ended with, “my son, it is just a matter of faith.”
I explained more about the details at this in a previous
post, so I will fast forward here. I made the decision that because, I never
got a reasonable answer to explain God and life, then what was the point of
following the church and the churches’ rules. The materialist explanations at
the time seemed to actually make more sense to me. So, for the next twenty
years I chose to accept the agnostic viewpoint that I will not believe in
something that cannot be proven. And sometimes I actually drifted toward being
an atheist. But “agnostic” seemed more rational at the time and easier to
explain to other people. So, I identified
myself as agnostic.
Several devout Christians over my early years tried to
“save” me. I remember in one of the first of these discussions, the elderly
lady who was my landlord asked me in a very sincere and concerned voice, “When
you look at all the beauty and complexity of the earth and the stars and
galaxies, how can you believe that all of that just happened?” The answer came
quickly and effortlessly. I heard myself respond, “Well, to me it is easier to
believe that all of the physical world and physical universe just happened by
natural means than to believe that an omnipotent, omnipresent creator God could
have just happened.” The point here is that you can never convince an agnostic
or atheist with words—it is impossible.
The turning point came, not with someone convincing me with
words, but challenging my position to decide to believe in indecision. I had
never thought about it that way before. The logic presented to me was that
either the atheist was right or the believer was right, for sure as an agnostic
I had no chance of being right. While neither the atheist nor the believer had
any proof, they both had the integrity and the character to face a very, very
important existential decision and make a choice, while I, as an agnostic was not.
Those words exposed to me the reality that I had actually been somewhat
cowardly and maybe somewhat lazy in not being willing to make a decision one
way or the other. It struck me that there could be no more important decision
in life than to decide whether there is or is not a spiritual side of life with
the best information available, and that I, so far had found it safer and more
comfortable to ignore the need to face and make the decision. When this
realization hit me, it was visceral, almost like a punch to the gut. Perhaps
because it was at odds with the identity I held for myself – a deep sense that
I was a person of integrity, character and courage and that my decision to not
make a decision on this most important question was completely at odds with all
of that.
So that decision – that conscious decision that I needed to
decide one way or another to accept a Spiritual, divine, Creator or accept
materialism is how my spiritual path actually started.
At the time I had accepted the famous Carl Sagan’s
materialist explanations completely. I had read his book “Cosmos” and watched
the T.V. series “Cosmos”, accepting the very well explained and illustrated theories
completely and without question. If this was all true did it mean there was no
God? Or did science just find the mechanisms of how the Creator created. Maybe
it wasn’t the way creationists described it. So, I spent much time over the
next year looking for alternate explanations for creation and looking at the
criticisms and the writings of scientists who disagreed with the widely
accepted theories and material doctrines. The personal conclusion I came to was
this, that I had two choices: a Creator God, or really absurd dumb luck.
·
Believe in the existence of a mystical,
non-material Creator being, that had no beginning and no end or believe in wild,
nearly absurd improbability which was necessary to explain creation without a
Creator.
·
Accept that the cosmos with all of its billions
and billions of galaxies, all moving in perfect harmony and accept the
complexity and diversity of life on earth are all due to an improbable series
of chance happenings with odds so improbable that they approach completely
impossible.
The more I looked, the more I found that the explanations of
materialism were not universally accepted. Respected scientists for example
estimated that the DNA of a simple bacterium has at least 3 million units, all
aligned in a meaningful and precise sequence. These scientists estimated that
the odds of the first cell forming on its own with viable DNA was 1 chance in
10 to the 40,000power. Now one chance in a billion would be 1 out of ten to the
9th power or 1 with 9 zeros after it. But ten to the 40,000 power is a 1 with 40,000
zeros after it! To me it was just as easy to choose that God did it, maybe even
easier.
Is Jesus Real? Did he
really exist?
Next, I turned to a fresh look at the case for believing in
a spiritual Creator. Looking back, I was really at a good place in my mind where
I had a good chance to discover the “truth”. I had no axe to grind. I had
nothing to prove. I had rejected all of the religious beliefs and doctrines
that I had been taught as a youth and I was strongly motivated to know the
truth – whatever that was. I was no longer afraid of what that might mean for
my life, in terms of what I might have to do or what I might have to give up if
I decided that God was real.
I sensed an attraction to the life and teachings of Jesus
more than any other aspect of spirituality. I didn’t trust what religious
authors said about him at all so I never looked there. I read Jesus words as if
I was reading them for the first time, and wondered, “If Jesus wasn’t who he
said he was, then this is probably the most elaborate hoax ever foisted on the
world.” Even though at the time I was very focused on the linear mind, I felt a
strong sense that these (the teachings of Jesus) were not the words of just
some clever mortal man. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what they really meant, but
I sensed in a very strong way that this was beyond a mortal mind. As an
example, I remember reading the story where the crowd was about to stone a
woman caught in the act of adultery. And with just a few quiet words, Jesus
redirects, resets the blood thirsty mob consciousness. And they, without force
decide that maybe this isn’t such a great idea and they disperse. I thought,
what mortal man would do that? What mortal man would get involved and step into
the middle of this worked up crowd and say, “Let he who is without sin, let him
cast the first stone”. I studied Jesus’ other teachings as well and was left
with the thought that Jesus being real, being who he said he was is really quite
plausible. It seemed more plausible to me that this Jesus is who he says he is,
than it was to believe that someone made all of this up. Why would anyone do
that?, I thought.
You will probably chuckle when I now admit that I even
looked Jesus up in the encyclopedia to see what non-religious, “objective”
scholars said about him. Does history say this man really existed? Does history
refute or support what Christianity says about him? Is it possible Jesus never
existed but is a total myth? Well, I found that there were Roman historians who
wrote about “Christus” and that he did exist and was executed by Pontius
Pilate.
Still, I wasn’t convinced, although I was leaning to the
thought that it was more probable that Jesus was real, and did teach what the
Gospels said and that message was a message of love. I reasoned that most false
teachers just trying to make a name for themselves always have a selfish
motivation. They want fame, glory and wealth, while Jesus was the exact
opposite – someone who preached forgiveness, turning the other cheek and love
of neighbor. There was no good explanation for why Jesus would have lived such
a selfless life and teach what he taught, even when he saw the power of the
priests and Pharisees and had to know he was risking his very life every time
he opened his mouth.
Then I thought about what happened after Jesus’ death. If he
was a charlatan, con-man or just a fabrication of a clever group of men, it
made no sense that the apostles would go out and teach what Jesus taught and
challenge the power elite of their time, knowing they were risking their very
lives, knowing the same thing could happen to them as happened to Jesus. Yet
there are historical records that say they did go forward and ended up being
executed for their trouble.
Rebirth Experience
At this point, after maybe a year of searching and pondering
I came to the point where it made more sense to me to accept that God and Jesus
and the spiritual side of life is real than to believe it was not. And yet,
there was still some lingering doubt and I had learned that I would never find
absolute proof one way or the other. So, one dark winter morning, I was driving
to work thinking about all of this and suddenly I opened my mouth and I cried
aloud, “God, if you are real, then I am willing to listen”. Then immediately I
had one of the very few spiritual experiences in my life. I was never one of
those who is always feeling vibrations or seeing apparitions or anything of
that sort. But immediately after completing that simple call to God, I felt
what seemed to be a wave of energy, a flooding of something coming over me and
through me and tears were rolling down my cheeks.
I would say that was a moment of rebirth for me. “Rebirth?”
Yes, I believe it is accurate to say so. But not in the sense that most main
stream religions teach the concept. I was not totally transformed in that
moment, but I had experienced a shift in consciousness. I was different in that
now I was open to something beyond my own rational mind whereas before I was
not, because I was so totally reliant on the rational, linear mind that I didn’t
even consider another alternative. Now I for the first time accepted that there
might be something beyond human intellect. For the first time I was teachable. I
was exactly the same person I was just moments before. God didn’t instantly
transform me and remove all my doubts, all of my unconstructive, unloving
attitudes, prejudices, judgments of myself and others. My personality was
exactly what it had been a moment before. But now I for the first time opened
myself to what I believe is the “key of knowledge” of which Jesus spoke:
intuition.
Intuition
The path I had taken so far to come to a decision was
exclusively dependent on the linear, rational mind. I really didn’t trust any
other way. As a young man, I always was one of those who would roll their eyes
when someone claimed they knew something because of intuition. Until my rebirth
experience, I accepted rational logic as the only means of discernment and actually
scorned intuition for the first maybe five decades of my life. Now, looking
back I can see that there actually was a strong intuitive “knowing” in my
subconscious that led me in key ways, basically all of my life. I just hadn’t noticed
it. Looking back, it was intuition, that inner knowing that you can’t explain, that
led me to question religious teachings. As a young boy, I was not the least bit
rebellious, or a trouble maker. My parents were loving, but insisted that I
respect authority. I accepted everything the sisters and priests said without question…until
one day in the fifth grade when I was ten.
Sister Mario was teaching our daily religion session. This
time a lesson about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden and original sin. I really
didn’t think about it, but was I just filled with the intuitive thought, “That
just can’t be true.” My right hand shot
up. Sister Mario acknowledged me and I
stood up and said: “Sister, you mean that if Adam and Eve had not taken a bite
out of that fruit, then we would all still be in the Garden of Eden? No war, no
poverty, no suffering, no death?” Sister Mario answered without a pause, “That
is correct”. I sat down in disbelief and had the conscious thought, “No. That
can’t be right”. I hadn’t thought about it. I just knew that it couldn’t be
right somewhere deep down inside of me. Later, the more I pondered it, the more
I trusted my intuition over my teachers. And, looking back that was kind of a
big deal because of how I had previously accepted as gospel, everything my teachers said.
The Path -- Following
the Impulses
Now that I had made the key decision to actually ask for
guidance, guidance was given. Of this I have no doubt because I had a sense of
co-measurement between trying to figure everything out on my own, versus acting
on the directions I was given after that day that I “prayed” out loud, “God, if
you are real, then I am willing to listen”.
I had no idea what would happen next, but I thought about my
role in it. My only sense at first, was that since I had asked for direction, I
needed to be alert to anything that might be a hint or a direction of what to
do next. Now this was new ground for me. I didn’t know what to expect. But
before long, I got an impulse, just a feeling that I should read the book of Proverbs.
Every night before going to sleep, I was in the habit of reading non-fiction, usually
self-help books. One night, I just had this small, quiet little impulse that
seemed to prompt me, “Why don’t you take a look at Proverbs”. So of course, I
did and was thoroughly struck with the wisdom contained there. It appealed to
my still very strong logical, linear mind. And, because I had read a number of
self-help books, I saw how the wisdom in Proverbs in both depth and in breath
exceeded anything else I had ever read. I remember thinking, “Now if this wasn’t
inspired by God, where did it come from? A wise human being might be able to
come up with a little of this, but all of this?” Looking back, I can see how
each step was really designed to help at my current level of consciousness and
ability to accept the very next insight to take just the very tiniest, baby
step up in consciousness.
After Proverbs, I felt the impulse to read Psalms. Now at
that very same time I was going through a very difficult period of time in my
job in a large aerospace corporation. I was assigned to a very ambitious,
expensive special project. It was a
multi-disciplined environment with lots of political intrigue and game playing,
all of which caused me stress and aggravation. Right in the middle of all of that
I got to the 23rd Psalm, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…”.
When I read It, I felt such a deep sense of peace that I memorized it and recited
it to myself every morning on the way to work. Each and every time that I did
so, I felt a deep and authentic peace.
An Ah-Hah..There is
Practical Benefit Here
Up until this point in time, the path had been only a quest
for truth. But the 23rd Psalm and several other Psalms taught me
that there is priceless practical benefit to be enjoyed in pursuing the
spiritual side of life. Again, it is my belief that it was no accident that I
got the impulse to read Psalms. It was exactly what I needed at that point in
time. Now I have always been attracted to whatever is practical. I have always
been attracted to and have sought tools or methods that made things easier or
better. So, this realization that these simple words of the Psalms could have
such a profound effect on me completely appealed to that very strong, practical
side of my nature. So here I had stumbled onto these profoundly powerful
thoughts by merely following these little impulses I was getting and this had a
palpable, positive effect on my every-day life. It energized me and motivated
me and excited me to keep taking the next step and experience even more freedom
and peace and love.
So now it is more than 30 years since this first Ah-hah
experience. I never stopped following the still, small voice that prompted me
to look into this or that. I learned that the path is unique to every
individual. I was given exactly what I needed to take just the next baby step
up in consciousness that I needed to take. The path I was led to was
specifically tailored to help me overcome the barriers in my psychology that
were keeping me stuck in a limited state of consciousness and the fears, doubt
and anxieties that go with it. Sometimes the direction I was given was not even
to give me some element of a spiritual truth, but instead just to prepare me
for the next step on the path -- to open my eyes to a new way of looking at
life, at God – really challenging my existing world-view. Looking back, there
were several directions I was led into that were not intended to change my view
with a particular teaching but merely to prepare my mind, open the door for the
next step. As a matter of fact, many of
the books and ideas, I felt I was led to by a higher power at the earlier
stages of my path, I really would not recommend as generally beneficial to
everyone. But it was just what I needed at the time.
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